Candy: the most versatile tool in any person’s arsenal. Need a quick snack? Eat some candy. Want to spend too much money at a movie theater? Substitute popcorn for candy (or do both, it’s your rodeo). Need to appease psychotic, bloodthirsty five-year-olds at a birthday party? Get a paper mache animal, fill it with candy, and hang it up for kids to beat the crap out of blindfolded.
Honey, I’m starting to worry about Billy.
In my experience, the best use of candy is to entice people to go somewhere they may be hesitant about going in the first place.
Sure, we train long and hard in Topics class for this kind
of rejection, but it still stings when the universe reaffirms that the common
person’s desire for instant gratification from corn syrup, sugar, and food
coloring far outweighs their academic needs.
And look, I can’t even say I necessarily blame them. I know
I am not the sweetest person in the world. I, too, would more often than not
choose the option of candy over interacting with a stranger that calls
themselves a Beaver and I think might have an obsession with drawing goats.
What hurts the most is the fact that they chose JOLLY RANCHE#*.
It does not matter that they are the only option of candy
available to candy-seekers in the library. They are literally the worst candy
in the world. I would rather walk to the Maldives barefoot than willingly suck
on Blue Raspberry Jolly Ranch!%* (and the rest of them too, they all stink).
I believe we are doing many people a disservice by having Jolly
Ranc$^@* as the only candy option:
1) Think of the poor
freshman, quivering in their boots as they prepare to be ridiculed for their
high school writing habits. They walk in and are so nervous that when offered,
they feel obligated to reach for the Jolly Ran^$!?#, anything to settle
their nerves. “Oh no, why am I doing this?” they ask themselves, as
their hand involuntarily reaches into the jar of rainbow hard candies. “I
hate Jolly Ra!#^$?¡, they stick to my teeth and make my tongue feel like it
bathed in cough syrup,” their brain reminds them, but they unwrap the
disgrace of a sweet and put it in their mouth anyway. Too distracted by the
nastiness invading their senses, they cannot focus on the knowledge we are
bequeathing them, improving their paper becomes an impossibility, and they end
up getting a bad grade. All of a sudden, they have a bad connotation with the
Writing Center, and we lose a potential long-term client.
2) Think of the consultants,
day in and day out, wishfully dreaming of better candies to condemn our
cravings to Hell. Think of the productivity that could be achieved if we all
knew there was something sweet for us waiting on the other side of a
conference, a topics assignment, or that goat picture we are drawing.
3) And most importantly, think of all the people we can
entice to the Writing Center. People who never experience a brainstorm, for
fear of having to eat Jolly R#%#!^*&. People who may otherwise be attracted
if they knew they could indulge ever-so-slightly in their sweet tooth cravings
with candies worthwhile. Like I said before, candy is great at opening doors to
people. We could necessitate that in order to get a superior piece of candy,
they must have a piece of writing to share with us. Either that or hire someone
to fend off the candymongers.
I pledge my life and honor to the
Writing Center…
With this idea in mind, I set out to figure out the best
replacement candies. How did I come up with this list you may ask? Very, very
scientifically and carefully. The idea come to me in a vision (complete with sugarplums, also a better alternative sweet) and I
immediately sent out an email to my colleagues at the writing center, asking
for their five favorite candies. Reponses flooded in, and I developed a system
for ranking the preferred sweets of my peers.
|
Order of favorites |
Points Allotted |
|
First Favorite Candy |
10 |
|
Second |
8 |
|
Third |
6 |
|
Fourth |
5 |
|
Fifth |
4 |
So, the
fewest points a candy could get would be four, if it only gets mentioned
by one person, as their fifth favorite candy. I also took into consideration
how many times a candy was mentioned, as there obviously was overlap between
peoples’ lists. So, while one candy might have 20 points because two people
listed it as their favorite, another might have 20 points because four people
listed it as their fourth favorite. You can clearly see the ethical conundrum
such an important question brings to the surface.
This list is based mostly on this system. However, I will ignore scientific results, choosing to inject my opinion into my list when I see fit. For that reason, you will not agree completely with this list. Heck, you may not even agree that all the candies listed are better than Jolly $@!β*֍¡&. That’s fine and all, just understand that you’re wrong.
#8 “You can tell a lot about a person
by how they eat Jellybeans."
For the sake of transparency, I will let you all in on
something: the replies I got to the question of everyone’s five favorite
candies showed a strong preference for chocolate-type candies. As a result,
this list has more cocoa-flavored treats than fruity flavored ones. Is this
because chocolate is the superior flavor? Are humans naturally predisposed to
it, rather than artificial fruity flavors? Does Nestle have control over our thoughts?? I am not sure. All I can say for certain is that I happen to enjoy lots
of fruity candies, and many of them were mentioned in the poll, they just
didn’t get enough points to warrant placement on this list. So even though the
number eight spot should be going to a generic chocolate bar, I am going to
call an audible and get the fake fruits some representation at the table.
With that in mind, I am going with a candy that covers a huge spectrum of flavors, depending on which ones you get. They come in varieties like Starburst, Sweetart, Krispy Kreme donuts, Sunkist, Cold Stone ice cream, sour fruits, tropical mixes, superfruit mixtures, and even ones derived from Harry Potter. So, am I cheating a little bit here? Maybe. But there is literally something for everyone when it comes to Jellybeans, so they should therefore never be underestimated when it comes to their ability to please a crowd.
#7: Won’t the real Slim Shady please
stand up?
Coming in at numero seven is another candy that has lots of variations: peanut, caramel, fudge brownie (my personal favorite), mini, pretzel, peanut butter, milk chocolate, almond, dark chocolate, and even coffee nut (who knew?!) were all mentioned by someone. I thought it would be a little too nit-picky to separate them all, so here I am lumping them together under their generic title. In much the same way that determining which of Eminem’s original songs is his best, it is difficult to determine which kind of this candy is the most delectable. So, including them all it is!
6: Everyone’s least favorite
“Peanuts” character, possibly their least favorite candy too, but I do not
care.
Time for the first of my personal biases affecting this list.
This one, however, has some precedent, as more people than just myself listed
this type of candy in their top five.
Sugar ruins our teeth. As much as I hate to admit it, this
is not propaganda created by the Big Dentist industry to keep us coming into
their offices, allowing them to continue to raise their costs of operations
(there is frightening evidence that candy was invented for this purpose, in
which case this whole blog post, as well as a lot of our lives, are controlled
by dentists…but that’s a post for another time). At the end of the day, it’s
nice to have nice teeth, so practicing good oral hygiene and limiting the sugar
we chomp is a good idea.
But what if there’s a candy that makes your mouth cleaner[1]?
What if there is a sweet that keeps your mouth in Mint condition?
I’ll be honest, there is more to this selection than just
taste. Eating it is an experience. The smell; the goosebumps; the sensation
that your mouth undergoes after chowing down on this combination of freshness
incarnate and chocolate—first chilly, and then slightly warm, followed by icy
breaths; the sip of water afterwards—one that no one in their right mind can
say isn’t the most refreshing sip of water in their lives. And it can never be
overstated how satisfying it is to snap a patty in half.
#5: Aren’t you all a little young to
be having these?
Great candies take us straight back to our childhoods. If
your childhood happens to be relived whenever you have a certain hard candy, regularly
available in the Writing Center, I only assume that your time growing up was as
uninspiring, substandard, and off-putting as those candies. The candy at number
five, however, doesn’t just send us back in time; for many of the people who
put it in their list, I imagine they actually modeled a lot of their behavior
off of this sweet’s mantra: sometimes things (i.e. children) are Sour, only for
things to sweeten out later. What’s important to remember when dealing with
Kids is to always be sure to Patch over the bad times.
Bonus Candy: Going on a diet? Good news! You do not have to cut out sweets. Rather, just try the Watermelon variation of these candies. It’s got fruit in the name; you can’t go wrong!
#4: Aww man, really?
The top three candies of this list are based purely on the
results of the poll. I really, really wanted to put this on in the top
three, because I do believe that is where it belongs. Ultimately, I didn’t want
to upset the masses and end up like Nicholas II, so fourth place is as high as
I dared to put it. That being said, its inclusion is sure to raise more
than a few eyebrows (only three people (myself included) had it in their top
five candy list, so I guess only six eyebrows will not be raised). I just do
not understand the hate this candy gets. It being so bad and disliked was even
a semi-important plot point of a TV show this past year.
It is a unique candy with a unique taste. I, for one, am tired of the countless candy bars that have some combination of chocolate, a nut, and some other ingredient—possibly exotic in nature. C’mon candy companies, grow some coconuts! Don’t be the wheel, break it, and roll with your own thing! I think doing so would bring Joy to a lot of people.
#3: I don’t get no satisfaction.
As previously mentioned, I am conceding the top spots on this list to candies that actually scored well among my peers. Our number 3 is not a bad candy in my opinion—I admit it does a wonderful job of fulfilling actual hunger—but neither is it a stellar one. I believed other candies should have done better in the uber scientific and official poll, so I looked into taking legal action to reverse the results. Alas, none of my lawyers agreed there were grounds for repeal (the bastards probably like Jol&^ @#$%^&*@). At the end of the day, I am willing to put the opinions of my tastebuds aside for this, as the ultimate goal is to attract writers to the Writing Center and help them have a better experience. Laugh and Snicker all you want, but I really believe this is my calling, and I intend to do it well by presenting what the people want.
#2: Give me a break.
Again, I will be transparent and say that the candy that easily got second in the points and mentions by my fellow centaurs is not in my personal top ten list. Are they better than Jo^*& #)(%@#!*? They aren’t J!><? ¿!@$^()%*, so yes. Are they better than six other candies though? I do not think so. However, I’m afraid some of my picks earlier in the list will raise hell within our ranks at the CWC, so I will concede the #2 spot to a solid, albeit lackluster, candy. We’ll go Kit for Kat and call it good.
#1: Is there any question about this?
And now, for the number one candy, both in my opinion and by
popular vote. Do I actually need to type out the name that was mentioned most
often by my fellow consultants, had the most points in the point system, and is
just unequivocally the best tasting combination of two flavors in the world? I
don’t think I do.
On an unrelated note, anyone seen Rheise lately?
Well, there you have it. Eight Candies that are undeniably
better than $#*(@ $%#@!&¡¿. And this is only eight of the 55
candies mentioned by people! In fact, it took until the last response for the
hated candies to even be listed by anyone, and she listed them as her fifth
favorite (you know who you are). Bonus fact: items like Oreos and sugar wafers had more points than the candy in question; so, things that aren't candies are still better candies than they-who-must-not-be-named!
It is apparent to me, after this groundbreaking research and
the above dissertation, that change needs to occur. The world altered rapidly
in the last calendar year, and in order for our dear Writing Center to keep up,
we have to adjust with it. We must find ways to welcome people back to our cozy
corner, and nothing does that like good ol’ bribery. It is my hope that this
list becomes the catalyst to the installation of superior, delectable candies
in the CWC. It is my dream that more people come back to in-person conferences,
revitalizing our old way of life.
Change is difficult, especially when we want to get rid of
something ingrained in tradition, ritual, and budgetary constraints. But change
we must, if the survival of the Writing Center is to be assured in this new age
of people wanting to do everything online.
[1] https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/does-mint-actually-teeth-clean-030000932.html
Wait, so corporate America lied to me?? Damn you, Dom
Draper, you handsome devil.
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